22!

22. Turning 22 is a big deal apparently. Not quite as big an event as turning 21, but a big deal in other aspects. There seems to be an unwritten rule that you’re supposed to have your life worked out by the time you turn 22. You’re supposed to know what you’re doing with your life, what you want to do for the rest of your life, and finally have the answer to the question “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” I headed into 22 with no answers to any of those questions.

Turning 21 is normally a big occasion. Some times there is a party, surrounded by family you haven’t seen in years and friends you never really talk to anymore but someone put them on the guest list and they can’t turn down a good party.

Having had a bad experience turning 18, I was dreading turning 21. All I wanted was to be around my close friends, boyfriend, and family for the day and just have a good day. Instead, my parents, boyfriend, and best friends got together and planned a surprise party for me! They brought family and friends I hadn’t seen in years to the local clubhouse function room and having gone for dinner with my family beforehand, I was dragged to the party. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it! My family are the least subtle people though so I had a fair idea as to what was going on. I was surprised by the people they had managed to get to the party! Family and friends who had moved abroad, the people I missed most in life, all managed to make it! I was thrilled! It was a great night with all of the people I loved the most in one room all having fun! Exactly what I wanted for my birthday and it couldn’t have gone better! I was heading into 21 with a really good start!

21 didn’t turn out too bad for the most part. I had settled into my first full time job (not a good one, but a job all the same), I was starting to really think about my future and where it was going to take me, and things were looking up. Then, almost as if I jinxed it, it all went downhill. I went through my first (and hopefully only) horrible break up, which cost me my boyfriend and best friend all in one, felt like I was stuck in a dead end job, and started to feeling like I was drowning in a rut with absolutely no way out. I was being asked questions about my future that I had no answers for and no idea where to even start looking for the answers. 22 was coming at me like a freight train and I was tied to the tracks!

To put it less dramatically, I was dreading turning 22. I’d long given up the hope of any recognition from my ex on my birthday but as he was such a big part of my birthday last year, I was petrified. Petrified that I would spend the day waiting for him to acknowledge the fact that it was my birthday and ruin the day for myself. Yes, I knew I didn’t need him to to say happy birthday to me to make my birthday any way decent but after a history of birthdays being forgotten, my 21st was the first birthday I actually wanted to remember and now it felt like I was remembering it for the wrong reasons. I was petrified I would waste my birthday worrying about things that I knew deep down wouldn’t matter in a month or two. In the lead up to my birthday, I convinced myself that I was going to focus on the positive things around me.

One of the few positive aspects of the breakup, if there even is such a thing, is how close I got to my girls. I was friends with them beforehand, but they were honestly brilliant through out the whole thing and I don’t know what I would have done without them. We had bonded over everything and anything and I was determined to focus on the fact that I had their friendship and that was good enough of a present for me!
As soon as my birthday came up in conversation, and it was mentioned about how I didn’t really want to do anything to mark the occasion and explained my reasons, they instantly started making plans! The more I resisted, the more they persisted! They were determined to make plans for myself and a few of the girls to get me out of the house, distract me, and let me ring in 22 in style! I’m so, so glad that they did!

We eventually settled on a meal out with a few drinks afterwards. Simple, but perfect. We decided on the place, and agreed we were getting dressed up. It had been too long since any of us had an excuse to dress up, go out, and let our hair down so we needed the excuse! I decided to treat myself and get my hair done, one of the girls in work promised she’d do my makeup for me, and I was suddenly very excited for my night out.

With my hair in perfect condition, fresh from the hairdressers, combined with my makeup freshly done, I looked and felt like a different person. I felt confident and beautiful and, for the first time in a while, genuinely happy.

I had picked the perfect dress, I’d worked my ass off in the gym to look perfect in it, and to my delight, found out that the dress was now slightly too big! That simple little discovery added to my confidence for the day and I felt brilliant!

We all met at the restaurant and settled in for a good meal. The food was gorgeous, the wine was fab, and the laughs were even better! I laughed until I cried more than once, and had the best time!

I woke the following morning, my actual birthday, and felt so content. My first thought was honestly ‘I really needed that last night’. I’d forgotten all about himself and while he did cross my mind a few times throughout the morning, I found myself not waiting for his recognition. I got up and went about my day not worrying about him or any other problems that I was going to be facing in my future.
A night out with the girls really does ease the mind and help heal all wounds!

22 is the year you’re ‘supposed’ to have everything worked out. You’re ‘supposed’ to know what you want to do with your life, what you’re doing for the future, and where you see yourself in 5 years time. I haven’t got an answer for any of those questions but I’m okay with that! A year ago, if you had asked my what I wanted to do with my life, I would probably cried instead of answering. Now, I haven’t got an answer but I’m starting to think about it more. Whenever someone asks me a future related question, 3 or 4 things keep popping into my mind and I think I just need to sit down and work out which I can and want to do for the rest of my life.

I still have my days where I haven’t a clue what I’m doing, feel like I’m lost, and that there’s no way forward. But thankfully, those days are becoming less and less.
Yeah, I don’t have my entire life worked out, but I’m okay with that. I’m not where every other 22 year old seems to be in life but I’m sure as hell getting there!

22 is the year I’m getting to where I want to be for me. I’m hitting the gym 4 times a week, I’m eating healthier, I’m hanging out with my friends and family more, I’m making more friends, I’m seeing an improvement for the first time in a really long time. I will be forever grateful for everything my girls have done for me in the last few weeks. I’m seeing my confidence go up and I’m starting to feel like I really can get through this and anything life throws at me!

22 is the year I’m going to kick ass. I can feel it.

– Zee xox